Dad was, for the first 19 years of his life, a Junior. Little did he know that the gods of conception and ultrasonography would betray and deceive him, respectively, and not once, but twice, did he produce a lovely girl child in the place of a potential namesake. Perhaps to some extent, despite being totally absent during the various stages of puberty and completely lame Homecoming and Prom dates, Dad still feels protective of us in the oft-uncharted waters of personal relationships. I, as the older and unmarried one, am not alarmed by the judgmental opinions offered by said paternal figure on any potential suitors that have graced his Gaskill doorstep; I've always taken them with a grain of salt, and have also always harbored a little thought in the back of my mind that somehow, someday, I'm going to present him with a professional athlete as my mate-in-waiting, and then shit is gonna get nuts.
With that in mind, please allow me to share with you a guide I have just now written, that is, "How to Land the Professional Athlete of Your Dreams: You're Not Crazy."
A. Choose a professional sport to follow.
1. You probably don't want to choose football, because even though you might wind up with Tom Brady, then again you might end up with Ray Lewis. And you know that although Ray Lewis can kick anyone's ass, keep in mind that he thinks the Devil is coming because of the NFL lockout, and that the cities are going to fall into chaos because of the crime. I'd laugh, but he actually said this in an ESPN interview.
2. Basketball players were cool when they were all young and in college, but when they grow up they do things like become alcoholics and lose their hair. I'm looking at you, Bobby Hurley and Jon Barry. So never mind that.
3. Baseball. Um... All right, so that one time I did get Jayson Werth to look at me, and that was great, but that was when he was a Phillie and before he became horribly overpaid and a loudmouth saying shit about his team. See, this is a problem. I find it hard to believe that someone can be completely normal at home when they misbehave while they're at work. And that tobacco shit, no thanks. Keep your mouth cancer to yourself. Next.
4. Hockey. All right, we'll go with that.
B. Learn about the sport.
1. Hockey is played on ice.
2. The puck goes really fast.
3. Your player will probably get his ass kicked on national television at least once.
3.5. Especially if he hits the star player of another team from behind.
4. All haircuts are acceptable, and being in the playoffs usually means it's time to grow a beard.
5. Helmets are a very, very good thing.
C. Memorize some kind of trivia about your player.
1. Come on. You at least have to know when his birthday is and where he's from.
2. This is why they created Wikipedia, after all.
3. Very few players from the Canadian Maritime Provinces actually play in the NHL.
4. This doesn't give you license to spew out stalkerrific facts on your first date, however. Be cool, man.
D. Attend sporting events and make your voice known.
1. Make a sign.
2. A good sign, not some cheesy-ass sign that asks him to marry you.
a. It's been done.
b. Be creative but not creepy.
3. Somehow get into position so he sees the sign.
a. No, don't put your phone number on it. I said don't be creepy!
b. A nod of appreciation is okay, but you can do better.
c. You might want to make sure the guy is actually single before you get too invested in this, you know.
d. All right, as long as he's not horrified, you're doing just fine.
4. If you don't feel comfortable with making a sign, cheer loudly (in his native language, if possible, if that's not English).
5. If your player is on the away team, be prepared to meet with opposition from the home crowd.
6. If a puck comes into the crowd in your direction and you try to get it but it's trapped in the row in front of you and you can't grab it and pull your hand out from between the seat and the concrete floor, but somehow the usher has a puck that he throws to you at the end of the game, congratulations, your player was listening and felt bad for the whole crowd seeing you screw up on the Jumbotron.
7. Somebody on the team always goes for drinks afterward. Hit the bars in style and keep an eye out for anyone who looks like they just got punched in the face.
8. Make a lot of sarcastic comments at this person's expense. If your player likes sarcasm and he's nearby, it's all good.
9. Nine goals is three hat tricks, also known to some folks as an "Ovechtrick."
E. Participate, don't hate.
1. Introduce him to your circle of friends as a normal person.
2. It's cool if they recognize him. Just don't preface everything with his team name, position, and salary.
3. For the love of god, don't post stupid shit on Facebook or try to throw it in anyone's face.
4. If you're in a city with a decent newspaper, go to charity events and get yourself on the Society or Style page.
5. Volunteer with the team wives, if they let girlfriends do so.
6. Realize that he'll be crazy busy for 8 months out of the 12 that are in the year, possibly even more. You need to have your own life; don't lose yourself in the allure of it all.
7. He might buy himself something ridiculous.
8. Like an Audi R8.
9. If you both have your feet on the ground, you'll be fine in the end.
I <3 you, RJ08. Love, knxvil.
